Saturday, June 23, 2012

Short story?

Here's an excerpt of a short story I just started. I have not thought of a title yet, but it seems to be ok. I'm posting the first, very rough draft to see if there is anything I can do with it. I'm fine with any type of criticism. After all, I wouldn't post it if I weren't. And without further ado:


Abby practically skipped to the mailbox. Today was the beginning of her new life. She opened the green mailbox and grabbed the plain wrapped box. It was a small box with only her address printed and the return address from Practical Labs. She held the box close as she ran back into her house. It won't be long now, she thought to herself. I can finally be the person I have wanted to be.

Abby considered herself too fat for most activities and clothing. She never wore a bathing suit since she thought she resembled a sunbathing sea lion. She was self conscious of the way she looked and how she thought other saw her. Once these miracle pills worked, then she could go and ask out Scott. Scott is her co-worker whom Abby has had a crush on for a year. He is always nice to her, making small talk in the elevator on the way to work or stopping by her cubicle to ask about her day so far. He even asks her to go to lunch with him. But poor Abby does not want the very eye friendly Scott to be seen with a person likes her. So what she has an awesome personality? No one wants to date Sammy the Sea Lion. These pills will be her savior. The ad said that they would zap the fat right out of your body. Abby could not wait to give them a try. What does she have to loose besides 20 pounds of squishy?

Abby goes into the house she shared with her roommate Melissa. She was sitting on the couch waiting to see this so called “miracle pill”. Melissa always skeptical about such things warned Abby that it might not work. She told her she could not find a single review, article, or even a tiny blurb about Practical Labs. Abby closes the door and proudly shows the box to Melissa. ‘It came!” Melissa shook her head and rolled her eyes, “Well let’s see if this even works.”
“It said on the ad that it’s begins working on the first day. All I have to do is drink it with a glass of water and voila, I’ll be as thin as you. Gorgeous even,” Abby replied with a huge smile on her face.
“But you are gorgeous now, Abby. I don’t understand why you need to go to these extremes. You could get any guy you wanted if you had confidence. I’ve seen how they look at you when you pass. You have the “to die for” figure. You’re the black Sofia Vegara. Everything’s in the right place. You don’t see her complaining about losing weight. I’m thin, barely any curves. That guy Scott at work seems to love looking at you. I swear if he knew where we lived, he’d be in the bushes under your window with John from next door.”
“Look, I don’t see myself the way you do. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t have spent one hundred dollars on some chemicals. But I want to be thin, like you.”
“Whatever, doll. Mark my words. Being thin is not as exciting as you think it is. Look at me Abby. When was the last time I had a date? You on the other hand are turning down hot guys left and right cause you think you’re fat?! I wish I had your problem. I wish I could fight men of with a stick. Nope I had to grow an extra amount of self-esteem and cultivate my confidence. That’s what you need. Fuck a miracle,” Melissa says as she turns back to the article in the newspaper, mumbling about Abby being a pinup girl with major issues. Abby laughs at her on the way to the kitchen, swearing she heard Melissa say if only she had confidence in herself she’d notice the men who drooled in her path.
Abby quicksteps in to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of Gatorade from the top shelf. She goes over to counter and opens the plain box for her bottles of pills.

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